A beginners guide to having the most farcical and irritating day possible while attempting, in any way, to actually get on and ride your bike.
Warning: This guide was developed after thorough testing by experts, in particular one Colin Gray, who has already lost most of his hair and therefore does not risk ripping even more of it out. Do not try this at home unless you have a handy batch of horse tranquilisers handy.
When leaving the house with your bike, do not take a saddle and/or a seatpost. Upon arriving at the trail, swear profusely, then grin and bear it as the bike shop staff laugh at the idiot paying to rent something he already owns.
Lose one of your skewer nuts, preventing any hope of affixing wheel to bike. Return to the bike shop. Discover said nut is obscure part X45d, not in stock since 1976, and bear it some more as the bike shop rent you a replacement wheel, laughter ascending to dangerous levels.
Do not, under any circumstances remember to take water. Better yet, fill a bottle and leave it on the kitchen worktop so that the image of it hovers in your parched mind throughout your cycle. This step is especially important if it is, in fact, the hottest day of the year, temperatures causing severe loss of bodily fluid at the slightest movement.
Tell your friends about each and every step of your fiasco, inducing much hilarity and piss-taking. This may or may not ensure that you repeat the previous steps on a future occasion, but will make certain that your day’s frustration peaks at least when you have a cold calming pint of ale at hand.